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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."


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Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain man, was
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On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That
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On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army
barber sheared his head.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him


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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy he's hired, then informs him, "The hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?"

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One evening a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar in order to catch potential drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a man come stumbling out of the bar, sway across the street and try his keys on five different cars before he found his own. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally the man started his engine and began to drive off. The police officer, waiting for the man the whole time, stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this was possible. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


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Stress Reduction

Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head
you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the
first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick
breath... then ploop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
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Carmen

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself", she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."


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